It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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