the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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