he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's blow job season.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
