don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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