Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
