Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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