if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
