I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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