you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
