when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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