Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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