Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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