I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize