Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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