the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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