Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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