Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
