New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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