I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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