I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize