Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
