i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
