Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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