Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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