Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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