Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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