how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
