And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
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