life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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