I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize