I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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