I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
