My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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