I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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