you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
