I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize