I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize