I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
