why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Pants 0. Shit 1.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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