I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
