there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
