I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
