I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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