I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
