wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize