She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
