I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You made out with two different species that night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize