we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
