Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Let's paint friendship bongs
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
