tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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