AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
