smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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