Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
