I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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