Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
