the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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