The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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