the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
