i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize