wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
