I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i love accidental penises.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
