your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
