I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
