We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
